I never claim to be perfect. I don’t pretend to be an amazing guy or even an above-average person. I’m just me. But I’m coming to realize I’m not entirely sure I’m the decent guy that people seem to make me out to be. I’m flawed. I’m very flawed.
I’m laying my imperfections out on the table for you.
I’m removing my mask.
When I was little, I had a really bad temper. I got picked on and made fun of. I got into fights (maybe even started them.. so long ago, who can remember the exact details anymore?). Lasted until Middle school. I seemed to mellow out in High school, but I think that was because I hated high school, so I never spoke to anyone. I’m generally perceived as a nice, gentle person. But I’m not sure this is entirely deserved. Everyone once in a while, when pushed, I pushed back. That little kid with the bad temper will poke his head out.
I still think there’s something wrong with me. I’m not sure. Maybe that’s why I like the beat-em-up video games so much. It’s how I let out all my pent-up aggression?
Going back to high school… yeah, I hated it. I had peers, I didn’t really have “friends.” Most of the friends I have no, which admittedly isn’t really all that many (though there are certainly a few, and they definitely know who they are), are friends that I’ve made during or after my college years.
This hating high school is probably why I didn’t graduate. Yeah, that’s right. I failed IB history class in my senior year simply because I stopped caring. HS wasn’t a pleasant experience for me, so I just shut down. Did only the minimal amount of work to get by each day, and that was it. Had to take history class over the summer before going to college. Got my degree in August. Only a very, VERY few select people close to me knew about that. It’s basically the thing in my past that I don’t speak of.
I can’t ever seem to hold on to a relationship. I’m pretty sure I’ve done something to screw up almost every relationship I’ve been in, even though I’m rarely sure of what exactly I’ve done. I think women can sense this, which is probably the reason I’ve rarely been in any real relationships in my life and I’m currently still single now. Again.. there’s something wrong with me and I know it… I just don’t know what that is.
I could probably go on, but I think this is getting a little long. All in all… I don’t know. This nice, decent guy thing that I’ve got going on… it’s a facade. I’m a very flawed, very imperfect human being. I’m not sure where to go from here, but I guess that just means I’ve got a lot of personal work to do.
This is me… unmasked.
Now playing: “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” (cover) by Utada Hikaru