In the heart of an artist lies all sorts of thoughts, emotions, and expressions waiting to be let out…

Archive for August, 2011

Unmasked: The Real Me

I never claim to be perfect. I don’t pretend to be an amazing guy or even an above-average person. I’m just me. But I’m coming to realize  I’m not entirely sure I’m the decent guy that people seem to make me out to be. I’m flawed. I’m very flawed.

I’m laying my imperfections out on the table for you.

I’m removing my mask.

When I was little, I had a really bad temper. I got picked on and made fun of. I got into fights (maybe even started them.. so long ago, who can remember the exact details anymore?). Lasted until Middle school. I seemed to mellow out in High school, but I think that was because I hated high school, so I never spoke to anyone. I’m generally perceived as a nice, gentle person. But I’m not sure this is entirely deserved. Everyone once in a while, when pushed, I pushed back. That little kid with the bad temper will poke his head out.

I still think there’s something wrong with me. I’m not sure. Maybe that’s why I like the beat-em-up video games so much. It’s how I let out all my pent-up aggression?

Going back to high school… yeah, I hated it. I had peers, I didn’t really have “friends.” Most of the friends I have no, which admittedly isn’t really all that many (though there are certainly a few, and they definitely know who they are), are friends that I’ve made during or after my college years.

This hating high school is probably why I didn’t graduate. Yeah, that’s right. I failed IB history class in my senior year simply because I stopped caring. HS wasn’t a pleasant experience for me, so I just shut down. Did only the minimal amount of work to get by each day, and that was it. Had to take history class over the summer before going to college. Got my degree in August. Only a very, VERY few select people close to me knew about that. It’s basically the thing in my past that I don’t speak of.

I can’t ever seem to hold on to a relationship. I’m pretty sure I’ve done something to screw up almost every relationship I’ve been in, even though I’m rarely sure of what exactly I’ve done. I think women can sense this, which is probably the reason I’ve rarely been in any real relationships in my life and I’m currently still single now. Again.. there’s something wrong with me and I know it… I just don’t know what that is.

I could probably go on, but I think this is getting a little long. All in all… I don’t know. This nice, decent guy thing that I’ve got going on… it’s a facade. I’m a very flawed, very imperfect human being. I’m not sure where to go from here, but I guess that just means I’ve got a lot of personal work to do.

This is me… unmasked.


Now playing: “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” (cover) by Utada Hikaru


The WANT vs. The NEED

Yes. You know exactly what I’m going to be talking about here. We’ve all been there before. It’s not new ground. How many times have we said “I want _____,” but someone else has told us “That’s not what you need right now”? We continually fool ourselves into thinking that we “need” things that we actually want.

But don’t worry. I’m not going to just talk down to you like that. Because that would be too predictable.

Let’s talk about wants for a second. Wants are desires. Greed is a natural part of humanity. We all want things. That’s never going to change. I can’t just tell you that you need to focus on finding what you need instead of worrying about what you want. We all have desires. We can’t just drop those.

Our wants, our desires, are what push us to evolve. Without desiring to have more, we’ll remain stagnant. Humanity evolves from our desires. A man that desired to go into space eventually ended up walking on the moon.After all, a dream isn’t a “need,” it’s a”want.” And we “need” dreams, right? Because without dreams, what purpose do we really have?

Now, here’s where the need comes in. If you have a want, a desire, then you have to figure out what you need. You can’t waste your time chasing down other petty wants. This is where that expression at the beginning comes back: “That’s not what you need right now.” Meaning, that’s not what you need if you want to make your dream come true.

Other wants may be thrown in our way in order to distract us, to keep us from achieving our dreams. We have to overcome those. We need to know how to cast aside those wants in order to focus on finding what we need to move forward.

The basics of this are that wants aren’t always bad. In fact, they’re sometimes necessary. But we have recognize that our needs must come first. Because our desires cannot be achieved  simply by wanting them to happen, right?

Until next time…


Is True Love Possible in the 21st Century?

Another “love” post. Oh joy. But seriously, it’s a word that gets kicked around so often these days in society, I can’t help but wonder if it hasn’t lost all of its meaning.

I look around myself, and everyone seems to be hopping in and out of relationships, marriages,separations, and divorces. All involving people claim to “love” each other. Just to clarify, I’m talking about people that use the word love thinking that they’re truly “in love,” not necessarily like familial love or love between friends. That’s a different type of love.

I’ve seen people express that they’ve found their “soulmate” after dating them for less than a week. I’ve known people that have gotten married after only knowing each other for a couple of months. Friends have had children with a partner before marrying them, then stayed with them, often eventually marrying them, because “I love him/her.”

But what is love really? Why are people so quick to believe that they are in love or have found the person they were meant to marry right off the bat? I don’t understand this. Maybe it’s just me, but a relationship is like a garden. In needs to be tended to, cultivated… and this takes TIME. I’m not stupid enough to put a definitive timeline on how long it takes to truly fall in love, but I do believe that love as most people seem to “understand” it these days is commonly mistaken for lust, obsession, or anything in between. It’s not true “love,” which is on a totally different level.

At least… that’s the way I see it.

That’s why it’s hard to find someone. That’s why I’m not sure I can ever love. I want to fall in love, I want to experience true love. But I can’t help but wonder if it’s even possible in the dating world of the 21st century. I can’t be a casual dater. If I go on dates with women, it’s because I’m really looking for a partner. Yes, dates are fun, but if I ask a woman out on a date, it’s because I really do consider them a potential partner.

Is that bad? Am I doing anything wrong? I think I’ve digressed… that’s probably for another topic.

Let me know what you think.



This is something I have been thinking about a LOT lately.  I’ve always been admired for my passionate heart. I have many passions, but my greatest is music. I love music dearly.

I graduated last year with a degree in Music Performance and International Studies. I dedicated five years of my life, 9 semesters and one semester in Hong Kong, to studying music and learning everything I could, all in an effort to be a greater musician. I also want to open my own music/arts school one day. Give kids somewhere safe and fun to go after school, and anyone else who’s interested in learning about the arts somewhere to learn more about what they love.  Ideally I would love to set this up in another country, preferably Hong Kong or Japan, but I would be perfectly happy if I could achieve this dream right here in the US.

So this leads to me wonder… what steps am I  really taking towards that right now in my life? As far as my music goes, I’m teaching music at a small music school here in Northern VA.. but that’s pretty much it. I barely have any time to perform anymore. I’m working as an Assistant Manager in a restaurant that, while paying pretty well, is still completely out of my field. I’m fortunate to have a “career” that’s going somewhere at 24 years old, but it’s not my chosen career. It’s not really what I want to be doing with my life.

I justify that right now as a means to an end. Save up so that I can eventually go back to school, get a higher degree, and take those steps towards opening the school of my dreams someday. But really.. I guess I just want to make sure I never lose my focus… never lose sight of the goal, never forget my dream. Because what do we have if we don’t have our dreams?

No matter what, human beings can never touch the sky… but that doesn’t stop some of us from trying.

Until next time…


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